This monologue was written during a night of Saturday Write Fever (the prompt was “Johnny Was A Bootlegger”), and then used in The Morrissey Plays, produced by SF Theater Pub in January of 2016. It’s a fun little piece, and a stand alone, to be done by either a man or woman.

Meat Is Murder
Performed by Melissa Clason, directed by Stuart Bousel
Produced by the SF Theater Pub, January 18, 19, 25, 26, 2016 at PianoFight in San Francisco.

Johnny was a bootlegger. Ginger was a cat. Johnny was a slob, too, and a liar, and a thief. Ginger was a cat. Johnny was a cheat, who couldn’t be depended on, who was full of many small but irritating habits that made you want to murder him over and over and over again… but Johnny was also a human being, and that sort of meant something if you were the kind of sentimental son of a bitch who cared about that kind of thing. I guess. Ginger, on the other hand, was a cat. And sure, I’m kind of more of a dog person, but in this family you don’t go around abusing animals- that’s the rule- and I don’t care who you think you are but there are no exceptions. Are we clear? We may not be the best boot-leggers in this city. We may not even be the second best. Or the third. But we are the only green certified, vegan, PETA and Earth First endorsed bootleggers in this city and that shit will not be compromised. Not on my watch. And especially not when we have Sarah McLaughlin and Morrissey playing the Christmas Party- fuck you he will not cancel. Not this year. Johnny was a bootlegger. Now, he’s a cement statue. And unless you want to join that asshole on the bottom of the Bay, I suggest you seriously consider adopting a pet- PRONTO. We have a reputation to keep up, understood? Excellent. Meeting adjourned.