This is a completely ridiculous send of up of late ’90s television promos that I wrote for Megan Cohen’s “Better Than Television” sketch show, after she sent me the image of a shark wearing lipstick while we were having coffee one morning. My reply was instantly “Lara Flynn Boyle is PowHersharK!” and the rest is history.
Lara Flynn Boyle Is PowHERsharK
Featuring Marlene Yarosh as Lara Flynn Boyle with Scott Baker, Megan Cohen, Valerie Fachman, Danielle Gray, Paul Jennings, Becky Raeta, Cassie Rosenbrock, and Steven Westdahl as everyone else.
Directed by Megan Cohen.
With music by Paul Anderson.
Produced by Theater Pub as part of “Better Than Television” playing June 20, 21, 28 at PianoFight in San Francisco, California.
Commercial Spot 1
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on PowHERshark…
LFB: Objection!
ANNOUNCER: Lara tries being a lawyer.
JUDGE: Over-ruled!
ANNOUNCER: But the judge is having none of it.
JUDGE: Aren’t you a businesswoman?
LFB: I’m whatever I want to be in this suit and these heels.
ACTUAL LAWYER: Objection!
JUDGE: Look-out she’s going to attack!
ACTUAL LAWYER: Everybody out of the water!
(SCREAMS, SHARK ATTACK, CARNAGE)
ANNOUNCER: It’s a very special Lara Flynn Boyle is PowHERsharK…
LFB: Permission to approach the beach.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight after Ally.
Commercial Spot 2
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on PowHERsharK…
DENNIS: Hello, Lara.
ANNOUNCER: Lara’s ex is back.
DENNIS: This is Britt-nay.
ANNOUNCER: But he’s not alone.
BRITT-NAY: You’re going to have to accept that Dennis is mine.
LFB: I’ll believe it when I see the ring.
BRITT-NAY: (holds up hand) It’s right here.
LFB: Oh.
ANNOUNCER: How far is she willing to go-
BRITT-NAY: Are you smoldering at me? Stop smoldering at me.
ANNOUNCER: -to get her man back?
LFB: I’m sorry. I have resting smolder face.
ANNOUNCER: Don’t miss Heather Locklear-
BRITT-NAY: Is that a second row of teeth?
LFB: I want you inside me.
(SCREAMS, SHARK ATTACK, CARNAGE)
ANNOUNCER: It’s an all new Lara Flynn Boyle is PowHERsharK, tonight after The West Wing.
Commercial Spot 3
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on a very special PowHERsharK…
DOULA: Oh my god she’s got a gun!
MAD GUNWOMAN: Everybody stay down!
ANNOUNCER: Death is stalking the halls of City Hospital…
COP: There’s at least three dead, the gunman has yet to be identified…
ANNOUNCER: But so is life…
MOM TO BE: My water just broke!
DAD TO BE: But all of the doulas are being held hostage on the second floor!
LFB: Not all of them.
ANNOUNCER: Can Lara deliver this baby and stop the mad gunwoman?
DAD-TO-BE: Come on honey- you can do it- just do it quietly!
(GUNSHOT)
MOM TO BE: Howard!
LFB: Everybody push!
DOULA: Everybody breath!
MAD GUNWOMAN: Everybody freeze!
(SCREAMS, GUNSHOTS, SHARK ATTACK, CARNAGE)
LFB: You’re going to need a bigger gun.
ANNOUNCER: Don’t miss Forrest Whitaker and Hope Davis guest staring in an unforgettable Lara Flynn Boyle in PowHERshark, tonight after Party of Five.
Commercial Spot 4
ANNOUNCER: It’s Christmas on PowHERsharK!
TOKEN GAY FRIEND: Merry Christmas!
ANNOUNCER: And things are not going well.
LFB: I haven’t done any of my shopping, and my mom is coming to dinner-
TOKEN GAY FRIEND: Why don’t you just have everything catered-
(SCREAMS, SHARK ATTACK, CARNAGE)
ANNOUNCER: Lara’s having trouble getting into the holiday spirit.
LFB: Now my sister is splitting up with her husband, and Dennis is back again-
BOSS: I understand, but I still need you to get that presentation done- OH MY GOD-!
(SCREAMS, SHARK ATTACK, CARNAGE)
ANNOUNCER: It’s gonna take a lot of special cheer to turn this frown upside down.
LITTLE GIRL: What do you want for Christmas, Aunt Lara?
LFB: The unending possibility of the open sea.
(SCREAMS, SHARK ATTACK, CARNAGE)
ANNOUNCER: Will Lara get it all together in time for Santa?
SANTA: Look, Lara- snow!
LFB: Tell the kids I went swimming.
ANNOUNCER: Don’t miss a very merry Lara Flynn Boyle in PowHERsharK, tonight after Picket Fences.